September 03, 2011

Love me for who I am - Amazing excerpt

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.


One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it,I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enoughfor me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying,'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis braceletwhen she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.'She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is alldear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enoughfor me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least the bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

February 24, 2011

The anatomy of friendship

People walk around today calling everyone their best friend. The term doesn't have any real meaning anymore. Mere acquaintances are lavished with hugs and kisses upon a second or at most third meeting, birthday cards get passed around offices so everybody can scribble a snippet of sentimentality for a colleague they barely met, and everyone just loves everyone. People leaving teams are lathered with such lavish praises that true efforts are lost. As a result when you tell somebody you love them today, it isn't much heard. The sincerity of those few true wishes gets lost in the cacophony of meaningless mechanical blurting of praises and appreciation. So next time someone says a "Thank You" or a "Love you" or anything that has any semblance of praise or appreciation or even love, know that a critic is your best friend not these sycophants.

PS: For all those people who love to hear good things about themselves. Know that it is your low self esteem that drives you to want such superficial and meaningless appreciation.

February 22, 2011

"Marriage" - Are you F^%#^$% crazy?

    Just about everybody I know is either getting married or planning to get married, and I am nothing short of flabbergasted at the thought of getting married. Here are my top reasons NOT to get married:

  1. Free sex is just isn't worth all the tension of getting married.
  2. If I need someone to tell me I'm wrong all the time, I will write a program to tell me I'm right all the time. (I'm pretty sure with my skills it will tell me I'm wrong with the proof).
  3. My definition of a perfect evening is a glass of scotch, some nice chips and star wars followed by a session of "Company of Heroes".
  4. I can no longer go out with friends for night outs and return home sloshed.
  5. I love myself the way I am. Considering all the "ego surfing" I have done. Ask Google they will vouch for it. Don't need someone who will change me.
  6. I hate waiting. Imagine you suddenly feel hungry and want to go to a nice roadside Dhaba and grab a bite with your wife on time. And then wake up from your dreams.
  7. Change is the essence of life. Monotony kills me. Coming home each day and listening to the same monotonous voice rambling away about the happenings of her day. Sorry it aint happening.
  8. "This one is for ALL the girls". When I have a problem, I love being alone and not someone bugging me all day long – "talk to me about it" or "you never talk to me".
  9. If I need company, I'll get a Dog, they are faithful, less expensive and throw a bone and they WILL shut up.
  10. The reason I am a programmer is because I HATE people talking back. We love computers coz they obey you. And when they don't, you re-boot them and if they talk too much, format them. You got bored of the look change the wall paper. You want variety install linux. Get the hint?